I recently taught a class on your sexuality and you. It was an introductory session to get a feel of how comfortable people were with their own sexuality and what types of things were taboo. We all are conditioned through our environment via our family, religion or culture. We tend to adopt beliefs based on how we were raised.
One of the questions I’m most commonly asked is how to get more pleasure out of sex with a partner. There is a lot that goes into having better sex and I’ve addressed that in other blog posts about creating a more positive body image and creating intimacy outside of the bedroom.
Both body image and intimacy are important components in the sexual experience, however, knowing your own body and what makes you feel turned on and what feels pleasurable to you is paramount to you being able to describe what feels good to your partner. There is only one way to really know, and that is to try things out solo.
Just like we have to set boundaries and teach others how to treat us and how we want to be shown love and affection, we have the same responsibility inside of the bedroom. I recommend keeping a sex journal to track your thoughts and feelings about your sexuality and note any resistance you may feel about certain positions or sexual acts that cause you to grimace.
Our bodies are amazing and are built to feel pleasure on many different levels, physical, emotional, and spiritual. If you are able to integrate all of those levels together your sexual experience will be greatly enhanced.
Let’s lay aside our taboos and have an open discussion about self-pleasuring…
There are myriads of ways to masturbate and there are several parts of the body we can focus on to provide pleasure. Let’s get started by talking about how to warm up your body by discovering your erogenous zones.
Nipple play can be a great place to start. You can pinch, squeeze, pull or tug on your nipples with varying pressure to see what feels good. Rubbing your erect nipple between your finger and thumb can help toughen up your nipples so you can apply more pressure. When you stimulate your nipples your body begins to awaken and you will begin to feel sensations throughout your body, especially in your pelvic region.
When you’re with a partner, he may enjoy sucking or biting on your nipples, through nipple stimulation you will be able to discover the type of pressure or intensity you like. If you are going solo, your body is also capable of reaching orgasm through nipple stimulation alone.
Each of your nipples has hundreds of nerve endings that make them highly sensitive. When they are stimulated they activate the same part of the brain that is in play with vaginal or clitoral orgasms. Nipple orgasms are a bit more subtle than a vaginal orgasm. They tend to feel more like a wave washing over your body that you can keep going for an extended period of time. Nipple orgasms can be more intense during your menstrual cycle since your breasts tend to be more sensitive.
I know you’re wondering if men can have nipple orgasms too! YES! Everyone is capable of climaxing through nipple stimulation alone, it may take some practice and trial and error to find the right pressure and combination of sensations to take you to the mountaintop.
As with most sexual experiences being in the right headspace is crucial to success. Set the mood by burning candles, incense or essential oils to stimulate your senses and help you relax. Get comfortable and let your mind wander into a fantasy to help you feel aroused. Start by running your hands over your curves. Feel the silkiness of your skin, no reason to rush. Let your hands explore at your own pace. You can use oils or lotions to increase the pleasure, I like to use coconut oil. When you get more comfortable you can use nipple vibrators or nipple clamps to increase your pleasure.
Remember you can practice solo or with a partner, there is no right or wrong way to practice, it’s all about self-discovery and expanding your sexual knowledge about your body. Now that you’re relaxed and comfortable, focus on your breath. Take long deep breaths in and out to get out of your head and into your body. Stroke your belly and rib cage, run your hands between your breasts, but don’t go right for the nipples. Learn to focus on the sensations and build anticipation, take your time to let your body process the feelings.
Use a light touch to start, make circles around your breasts and areola. Notice the size of your areola and nipples, observe how your nipple responds to the touch. Your nipples should become erect with this technique. Run your hands over your erect nipples and see how that sensation feels. Massage your full breasts and start to rub your nipples slowly. Increase speed and pressure as you become more aroused.
Try pinching and tugging on your erect nipples to intensify the sensations. Twist and pull for added layers of pleasure. Allow yourself to come to the edge of orgasm, then back away. You can create waves of orgasmic pleasure. Arch your back and see how that feels as you approach orgasm again. Allow yourself to make sounds on the exhale to increase sensations.
You can incorporate kegels with your nipple play to bring on more layers of pleasure. Most women kegel by just squeezing the vagina, but you can get more benefit by squeezing, then squeezing tighter then pushing down. Not only will this help increase the intensity of the orgasm, but it will also train your body for G-spot orgasms or squirting.
If you are practicing with a partner, you may want to feel his hot breath on your nipple to stimulate your nerve endings. Licking your nipples by feeling the warm wetness of his tongue followed by cool air blowing can provide interesting sensations with warm and cool. See how it feels when he flicks his tongue versus using a flat tongue to cover the entire nipple. Sucking will bring more blood flow to the nipple and make it more sensitive. Nibbling or biting will also enhance your orgasmic intensity.
Nipple play can be used alone, as foreplay or as a tool to make your orgasms more explosive. Experiment and have fun! Don’t forget to document how you feel in your journal for further exploration.
Orgasms can be achieved manually or with the help of toys. Women seem to love vibrating toys because they can orgasm more quickly. Vibrators can desensitize the clitoris so be mindful of the intensity of the vibrations and how often you use them.
Clitoral orgasms are easier to achieve for most women, especially in partner sex because this is the part of the female anatomy that most men are familiar with…at least at a surface level. Let’s go over some basic anatomy so we are using the same terms and the same definitions.
Your clitoris is a pearl-sized sensory organ often times hidden under a fleshy hood located at the lop fo your vulva where your inner lips meet. You can think of the hood as you would a man’s foreskin, in order to stimulate the clit, you need to stimulate the hood so it moves back to exposes your clit. Your clit is the most sensitive organ on the human body, it has even more nerve endings than the head of a penis. Some scientists have said that a clit can have as many as 9,000 nerve endings concentrated in an extremely small area.
Clitoral orgasms can cause you to become overly sensitive and you may need to take a break in between orgasms. Let’s practice having a single orgasm then you can experiment with other techniques to bring you back to heightened sensations.
Begin by massaging the fleshy area at the top of your pubic bone. You can feel the nub just below the hood. The clit is attached to a wishbone-shaped structure that straddles the urethral and vaginal openings. Just below the wishbone-shape are the clitoral bulbs.
(see illustration below photo credit Becoming Cliterate, page 74 by Laurie Mintz)
Start stroking the clit through the hood, slide your fingers in a V shape down both sides of the clit along the wishbone shape structure, also referred to as the clitoral shaft or clitoral roots. The clitoral shaft can be up to 4 inches long. Try out different rhythms to see what feels good. You will begin to feel wetness, you can use lube to enhance the sensations. Once you feel lubricated you can apply deeper pressure and discover what helps you reach climax. Of course, you can also use a vibrator to get you there if needed.
Keep in mind there is no right or wrong way to feel pleasure. If your body has been conditioned to climax with a vibrator it may take you time to retrain your nerve receptors to respond to a different type of stimulation. Don’t get frustrated or give up. Keep trying different speeds and pressures until you find what works best for you.
We can get in our heads and kill our ability to climax in new ways, try not to focus on the outcome, rather enjoy the sensations and self-discovery. Try different breathing patterns or different positions to see if you get different outcomes or if it is easier to climax. Try the shower or bath for a more relaxing experience.
Vaginal orgasms can be more challenging to achieve climax. Even without a climax, you can experience a great deal of pleasure by inserting fingers or toys into your vaginal canal. You can also access your G-Spot for additional levels of pleasure.
Make sure you are fully lubricated before you get started especially if you intend to use toys. I like to use glass toys as they feel more natural and provide less friction. You can also experiment with hot and cold with glass toys for added sensations.
Begin by massaging your vaginal opening with your fingers, you may even want to start with some nipple play to get your body aroused. Slowly insert your fingers into your vagina. Move your fingers in and out in a circular motion. Experiment with different speeds and pressures. Notice where you feel the most sensations on the vaginal walls.
Vaginal orgasms can be quite powerful and cause the cervix to pulsate. You might try a two-handed approach and stimulate your clit with one hand for increased sensation and pleasure. A squatting position may also be helpful for this type of climax.
Only 18% of woman can reach climax vaginally with a partner through vaginal penetration. It depends on his size, girth, and position to hit the right spots for internal stimulation. That’s why knowing your body will aid in creating more orgasms when you’re with a partner. Take more time in prepping your body for a vaginal orgasm and don’t let yourself get in your head. Allow your body to relax, the tenser you become the more difficult it will be to reach a vaginal climax.
If you want to try to reach your G-Spot and experience an orgasm, it is located 2 – 3 inches inside of the front wall of the vaginal canal. As you insert your fingers you will feel rough spongy flesh, your G-Spot is halfway between the vaginal opening and the cervix. A “come here” type of motion is best for stimulation and achieving orgasm. The G-spot is part of the clitoral organ system. Once you are able to locate it with your fingers, you’ll be able to use a toy to help stimulate the spot. Toys with a curve are best.
If you’re trying to reach the G-Spot with a partner some positions may work better than others. Try positions that give you more control over where you’re being stimulated. Again, it will be trial and error until you find the right position, rhythm, and pressure to bring you to orgasm.
Cowgirl can be helpful. Invite your partner to lay on their back then straddle them. This position allows you to have total control over depth, rhythm, and angle of penetration. Close your eyes and visualize where you want to feel the sensations and your hips will follow. Keep in mind your partner’s shape and size will make a difference in how easy it is to experience a vaginal orgasm. You can also easily stimulate your clit while you ride to push you over the pleasure threshold.
Doggy Style also allows for deeper penetration during intercourse and can help you hit the G-Spot. Begin on your hands and knees with your partner standing behind you. Drop to your forearms to change the angle of penetration and push your hips up into him. See which position works best for you. You can also try laying on your stomach with your legs hanging over the side of the bed. Experiment to see which position works best for you.
Closed missionary position can increase stimulation without deep penetration. Lay on your back as you would in a standard missionary position, then move your legs together so your partner is straddling you. Success in this position will depend on your partner’s size, while the depth of penetration will be more shallow, added friction to the G-Spot region may help bring you to climax.
Unlike a regular a regular vaginal orgasm, a G-Sport orgasm can induce releasing or squirting a clear liquid from the urethra. This liquid originates in the Skene’s peri-urethral gland and can be mixed with small amounts of urine. This liquid is usually clear and odorless. Amounts may vary according to your level of hydration.
Every woman and every vagina are different. We all respond to pleasure in our own unique way. Feeling empowered to communicate our wants, needs, and desires to our partner is key to having mind-blowing sex. Our bodies didn’t come with an instruction manual for our partner to read so we have to create one for them.
There is no shame in wanting to know what brings you pain or pleasure so you can experience deeper more satisfying levels of sexual pleasure. Connecting with our mate on a deeper level builds more intimacy inside and outside of the bedroom. It allows you to be seen and recognized on a deeper level.
Understanding how organisms occur can improve your ability to achieve them on a more consistent basis. From a scientific standpoint there are four stages of the sexual response cycle according to Masters and Johnson:
- Excitement – where turn on begins – this might start with flirting
- Plateau – repetitive motion that brings pleasurable sensations
- Orgasm – release of pleasure – may cause oversensitivity
- Resolutions – recovery time
Going through these four stages and recognizing where you are in the cycle will help you become multi-orgasmic. Try to focus on the sensations and be present and enjoy them. Create an agreement with your partner on how you will handle orgasms. We need to dispell the myth that women’s bodies work the same way as a man’s body does when it comes to climaxing. Many men don’t realize if they take time to recover they can climax multiple times. Have a discussion on how you will experience climax if they cum too soon. Be confident in communicating what you want and how you want to experience it.
Owning your sexuality is part of being empowered from the boardroom to the bedroom. Don’t be embarrassed or ashamed to talk about your sexuality and what you want to experience. There are so many different ways to give and receive pleasure. Have fun experimenting and expanding your parameters when it comes to pleasure.